New Monogamy

Dutch is a relatively new friend, I think we met 5 years ago. He's an awesome person and I'm not just saying that because he organized our trip to Brazil. He's decisive and understated. In the period of 2 weeks he decided he was leaving Dallas for NYC; he flew to New York, organized a transfer within his company, shopped for an apartment, sold his car and most of his furniture and he was gone with minimal fanfare.

When Dutch tells you he wants to get to know you, it isn't lip service, he's serious and he will follow through. Be prepared for questions, solicitation of opinions and general mining for personality characteristics. The nice thing is that he really does get to know you.

When Dutch visited for Thanksgiving he brought me the latest New York magazine because he knew I would find the articles interesting. He was right.


Monogamy, Open-Relationships & Shades Between

So, the New Monogamy, what is it? It isn't monogamy, thats for sure.

The article did a good job, IMHO, of dismantling the myth that each new generation is more sexually liberated than the last. We are not more liberated. Look at the swinger-free-love 70's or commune-based, mulitple partner 60's. If I gave my great-grandmother an extra shot of whiskey, for medicinal purposes of course, she would talk on about life in the 1920's. If her memory was intact, the 20's were a monogamy cover-story with anything but monogamy happening. Go back a little further to the Greeks and Romans, I think these fuckers defined sexual liberation.

What has changed is the willingness of couples to define their own version of 'monogamy' or to embrace open relationships without guilt. The article chronicled serveral newly partnered couples, both straight and gay, and their decision making processes on how best to address the issue. One couple takes on the above the waist monogamy; they can flirt, fondle and feel but it all has to be above the waist. Another couple adopts the 50 mile monogamy; no sleeping with people that live within a 50 mile radius. Yet another couple adopts the poly-monogamy; they have the same 2 extra-relationship partners but do not accept new ones.

Each one of my three relationships has taken on a different flavor of 'monogamy': one was closed, one wide open and another employed a modified above the waist monogamy. I know which one works best for me and there won't be any compromise in the future.

I can't advocate one over the other because it depends on who you are at the core, in what you believe and knowing your limitations. Trying to change someone who believes in open-relationships into a monogamist is like trying to change a cow into a pinecone. The converse is also true. People are wired the way they are, respect it and move on.

What I can advocate is getting real about this. Technology is certainly playing its part in pushing the issue to the surface, at least for me. If I were a mean person I would post pictures of professed monogamists caught via camera phones in, well, compromising poistions. I mean really, how does a stranger get a camera shot of you asleep in your own bed, next to a bottle of lube and some empty condom wrappers? Hmmm. (True story, BTW) Don't be a dumb-ass, just be yourself and be honest about it.

Bear Up

Another article talked about the new trend in NYC, bears. For those who don't know the term 'bear', this lovingly describes those gay men that are hirsute and just slightly thickening around the middle. Bears don't wear cologne, they dont work out 5 days a week and you won't find them wearing Kenneth Cole or Prada. They are stereotype busters, at least those media-induced stereotypes of gay men.

Apparently now in NYC gay men everwhere are turning in their gym memberships for extra large pepperoni pizzas, and yes, dammit, they would like a side of garlic breadsticks. I'm not sure if I believe that but it could be because I live in the land of gym bunnies who need therapy if they gain a pound or two. However, it would be worth a trip to NYC, you know, for investigative reasons.

On that note, everyone have a wonderful weekend!

Sex
Monogamy
Bears