Food, drink, film and other random thoughts from The Lone Star State.

Friday, December 02, 2005

New Monogamy

Dutch is a relatively new friend, I think we met 5 years ago. He's an awesome person and I'm not just saying that because he organized our trip to Brazil. He's decisive and understated. In the period of 2 weeks he decided he was leaving Dallas for NYC; he flew to New York, organized a transfer within his company, shopped for an apartment, sold his car and most of his furniture and he was gone with minimal fanfare.

When Dutch tells you he wants to get to know you, it isn't lip service, he's serious and he will follow through. Be prepared for questions, solicitation of opinions and general mining for personality characteristics. The nice thing is that he really does get to know you.

When Dutch visited for Thanksgiving he brought me the latest New York magazine because he knew I would find the articles interesting. He was right.

Monogamy, Open-Relationships & Shades Between

So, the New Monogamy, what is it? It isn't monogamy, thats for sure.

The article did a good job, IMHO, of dismantling the myth that each new generation is more sexually liberated than the last. We are not more liberated. Look at the swinger-free-love 70's or commune-based, mulitple partner 60's. If I gave my great-grandmother an extra shot of whiskey, for medicinal purposes of course, she would talk on about life in the 1920's. If her memory was intact, the 20's were a monogamy cover-story with anything but monogamy happening. Go back a little further to the Greeks and Romans, I think these fuckers defined sexual liberation.

What has changed is the willingness of couples to define their own version of 'monogamy' or to embrace open relationships without guilt. The article chronicled serveral newly partnered couples, both straight and gay, and their decision making processes on how best to address the issue. One couple takes on the above the waist monogamy; they can flirt, fondle and feel but it all has to be above the waist. Another couple adopts the 50 mile monogamy; no sleeping with people that live within a 50 mile radius. Yet another couple adopts the poly-monogamy; they have the same 2 extra-relationship partners but do not accept new ones.

Each one of my three relationships has taken on a different flavor of 'monogamy': one was closed, one wide open and another employed a modified above the waist monogamy. I know which one works best for me and there won't be any compromise in the future.

I can't advocate one over the other because it depends on who you are at the core, in what you believe and knowing your limitations. Trying to change someone who believes in open-relationships into a monogamist is like trying to change a cow into a pinecone. The converse is also true. People are wired the way they are, respect it and move on.

What I can advocate is getting real about this. Technology is certainly playing its part in pushing the issue to the surface, at least for me. If I were a mean person I would post pictures of professed monogamists caught via camera phones in, well, compromising poistions. I mean really, how does a stranger get a camera shot of you asleep in your own bed, next to a bottle of lube and some empty condom wrappers? Hmmm. (True story, BTW) Don't be a dumb-ass, just be yourself and be honest about it.

Bear Up

Another article talked about the new trend in NYC, bears. For those who don't know the term 'bear', this lovingly describes those gay men that are hirsute and just slightly thickening around the middle. Bears don't wear cologne, they dont work out 5 days a week and you won't find them wearing Kenneth Cole or Prada. They are stereotype busters, at least those media-induced stereotypes of gay men.

Apparently now in NYC gay men everwhere are turning in their gym memberships for extra large pepperoni pizzas, and yes, dammit, they would like a side of garlic breadsticks. I'm not sure if I believe that but it could be because I live in the land of gym bunnies who need therapy if they gain a pound or two. However, it would be worth a trip to NYC, you know, for investigative reasons.

On that note, everyone have a wonderful weekend!


Blogger Adam said...

I read on a blog by a NYC resident that the trend isnt necessarily Bears but more that facial hair is becoming more popular. There was also mention that body hair is becoming accepted again amongst the chelsea boys.

In a few years heterosexual men will start looking like men again and all this metrosexual bullshit will be over.

3:13 PM

Blogger Jim said...

The open relationship thing is a mystery to me. I don't know how people do it. But if it works for them, hooray.

Have a great weekend too Jimbo! And thank goodness for hairy chests!! :)

4:07 PM

Blogger Sangroncito said...

Cool cover!
I've come to the conclusion that monogamy is overrated...and probably impossible to achieve and stay sane (ask any Brazilian).

As for bears...oh, to have courage to say "fuck you" to the worship of flat abs and give in to a lifetime of pigging out.

6:33 PM

Blogger Jim said...


I would believe the NYC resident more than NY magazine (or my interpretation thereof). Alot of the 18-24 boys on campus are sporting beards.

Metrosexuals, ick. Worse, fauxmosexuals. Come on, a straight guy pretending to be a gay guy to meet straight women? Too complicated! LOL

7:58 PM

Blogger Jim said...


I know several couples in open relationships. For those, it was simply an admission that they would not be able to be monogamous. I applaud their brutally honest communication but I wouldn't want to be in one (well, not again :)

Oh, hairy chests are always in style and I'm not just saying that because I have one :)

8:10 PM

Blogger Jim said...

LOL Sangroncito,

I with you there buddy! I get way more out of 3 Caipirinhas and Cheese Empanadas than I do out of 6-pak abs :)

8:22 PM

Blogger The Persian said...

I could never be in an open relationship. Above the waist monogomy? Never heard of that before. Hairy guys are cool but Big heavyset bears? never...

Have a cool weekend :)

4:08 AM

Blogger Jim said...

Persian Guy,

I with ya. Open relationships seem more complicated, not to mention that these days they are more risky.

Bears, I dont get the phenomenon but that might be because I've been 155-160 since high school (minus those 4 years of being a workout whore;). Any less and I feel weak, any more and I feel sluggish. I dont like either.

8:30 AM

Blogger ScottyFerguson said...

I'm in new york for the weekend. No bear sightings yet. Saw a racoon last night does that count? Come on Its damn freezing here! Hell I'd grow a hair like a damn wookie if it would keep me warm. I'd expect every man to have facial hair. Hell I'd expect to see bigfoot.

ITS COLD. (fyi anything below 70 degrees i'll bitch about.)

8:30 AM

Blogger Jim said...

LOL Scotty, you are too funny!

I'm with you on the temp. thing, anything under 70 and you are justified in dragging out winterwear.

Have a great time in NYC!

8:42 AM

Blogger Brian said...

Ah, the open relationship. A great topic to blog about!

I hope the hairy thing is more than a trend. Hairy chests, facial hair, bodies that are not totally chiseled and pumped...these have always been my preferences. Not exclusively by any means; nevertheless, I wouldn't mind seeing more of them. Lots more. Up close and personal. Oh yeah. Right here, right now. Mmm... What was I talking about?

9:47 AM

Blogger Jim said...

LOL Brian ... distracted by the hair are ya? :)

Hope your marathon drumming went well and your hands (and arms) are still intact.

3:07 PM

Anonymous Jeff said...

I guess I joined into the "Bear Movement" around 1984. We were just of group of regular guys with regular builds who wanted to do things normally associated with straight men (i.e. camping, hiking, canoeing, sports, non-bar parties or just about anything that didn't involve Drag Queens). It was very nice.

Then in the late 90's some losers started to join in and make it a "sex all the time with whomever". Then the really fat slobs started to come around.

Now I view it as an excuse for lazy overweight lowlifes to have indiscriminate sex where-ever. Think I'm being overly critical? GO TO ONE OF THEIR PARTIES!

10:02 AM

Blogger Jim said...

Hi Jeff,

Thanks for your comments and insight into the origins of the bear. Its sad to me that a few unsavories could cast a negative connotation on a movement that seemed a positive alternative.

Gonna pass on the bear party thing, living in 1970's SF I saw enough indiscriminate activity to last a lifetime (and that was in broad daylight on public transport :)

1:34 PM


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