Food, drink, film and other random thoughts from The Lone Star State.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

She Bangs

I thought it was high-school girl cute that her license plate read 'best', B 3 S T. Apparently this was not indicating that she was the best driver, at least not judging from the revene of a whiskey dent on the passenger rear. But thats not fair of me, is it? A big black Escalade is probably a prime target for parking-lot side swipes, particularly considering that with the road hogging mass of a small planet, it must put off its own gravitational pull.

Maybe it was that she was from Florida, or at least her vehicle, that she didn't understand the subtle unspoken rules of driving in the fast lane of the Tollway -'We go 75 mph, not 50 mph, in this lane.'

Maybe if she would have put down her cell phone she would not have swerved into the next lane each time she picked up her Venti Starbucks from the cup holder.

She looked like every other lady who lunched; too much silver jewelry on her hand causing a blinding effect each time her wrist made contact with the descending angle of the sun. And then there was the hair - was she having a personal contest with Ivana Trump to see who could get their blonde pile to comfortable cruising altitude first? Looks yes, but not the driving skills. If your going to be a lady who lunches its essential that you learn how to drive like hell. Its a survival skill, not just defensive, it ensures your social standing since tardiness is not a quality well-respected in those circles.

I moved from my fast lane position to the slow lane, just in case she decided to take another gulp of caffiene. And thats when she did it. She turned 180 degrees around in her seat and bitchslapped one of her kids. The big black Escalade snuggled up to the little white Lexus in the next lane. The Escalade was bored so it tagged the Lexus on the passenger front quarter panel in a friendly game of tag. The Lexus did not want to be IT, so he tried to pass it off to the red F-150 in the next lane. The F-150 definitely didn't want be IT, so he tested the full extent of his braking system to avoid entering the game. The three cars behind the F-150 did not have time to play so they, in series, like dominos, also tried to avoid being IT. The little green Focus wound up being IT. Clearly unhappy with being IT, he skulked off the playground with his hood wrinkled up in sour-pussed discontent.

Personally, I don't care if your going to hit your kids, its your choice, and really, thats something your kids will work out later with their AA buddies and therapists. But for all that is holy, please save that crap for home, the mall or the grocery store. Anywhere else but when you are operating a 2 ton bullet in the proximity of other people that are not particularly interested in being collateral damage to your bad judgement and lack of self-control.

OK, the accident wasn't what really what frosted my cookies, everyone seemed ok in the end. What really pissed me off was that this creature from the sunshine state not only didn't stop or pull off to the side of the road, she gunned it, screeched across 3 lanes of traffic and disengaged from the Tollway at the nearest exit.


Its a good thing I have a great short term memory. It made it so much easier to give her make, model and license plate number to the Plano police.


Blogger Sangroncito said...

I'm am so happy you got that creature's license plate number...I wish I could see the look on her face when they contact her, although I bet it won't be the first time....

11:06 AM

Blogger Brian said...

I hope the make and model you gave the police included some of your magnificent descriptions of her. I can just hear it over the police scanner now: "Calling all cars, we've got a Creature from the Sunshine State, driving and bitch slapping. Be on the look out for a blond Ivana Trump pile...."

1:03 PM

Blogger Adam said...

Justice! What a four letter word for a woman's genitalia that would offend some readers that woman is. Another reason I cannot bear the suburbs.

The veneer of the sweet life is so easily scratched off to reveal a tribe of gollums living in villiages of spit and glue.

3:16 PM

Blogger Jim said...


Welcome back (well back to blog land). No definitely no a first time offense for her.

Looking forward to your new season in Brasil!

5:55 PM

Blogger Jim said...

LOL, Brithoken, I could see the Plano police doing that too, they are famously bored otherwise.

5:56 PM

Blogger Jim said...


OK, I'm still laughing. That is most venomously funny description of the suburbs I have EVER heard!

Are you sure we arent related?

5:57 PM

Blogger Adam said...

My disgust and disdain for the suburbs is a bottomless pit.

11:56 PM


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