Food, drink, film and other random thoughts from The Lone Star State.

Friday, July 14, 2006

World Domination League, VP

I can't run for President of the World Domination League because blog-bud Greg, of My Drinking Team Has A Frisbee Problem is gunning for that role (or at least one more reader for his blog).

So I'm going to run for Vice-President.

First issue, marriage.

Ok people, its like this, we are putting this thing to bed right here, right now. We, as a country, have more important things to conquer, like renovating our health care system, repairing some intensely damaged foriegn relations, reclaiming our leading-edge role in science (by federally funding research that is necessary to do so), education and therapy for those people who still think its OK to wear white after Labor Day.

Stance
I will defend anyone's right to engage in marriage, it can be a beautiful thing if its done on the right premise with the right people. For those that choose to engage in this activity, I will support, even encourage them. However, for the record, this is a choice, not an obligation, nor is it a social stigma should you not choose to do so. Anyone engaging in single bashing will be deported to Antarctica. No explanations required, nor will any be accepted.

Definition
We are going to go to most popular internet reference source, Wikipedia, for our definition of marriage.

A marriage is a committed relationship between or among individuals, recognized by civil authority and/or bound by the religious beliefs of the participants.

OK, so thats it, as long as you believe in marriage, you may participate in one. No one is going to spend one more cent trying to re-define this. Anyone attempting a redefinition or ammendment, be it explict, implied or subconscious will be deported to Antarctica for wasting tax dollars.

Reality Check
Take a look at the statistics for divorce rates in our country as of 2003. Divorce Rates, 2003 As you can see this data is tabulated by our government, specifically National Vital Statistics, so its official. The marriage rate in 2003 was 7.5 and the divorce rate was 3.8. Since the rates are fairly consistent year over year we can safely extrapolate that divorce rates and marriage rates in different years commute. Lets do some 1st grade math, 3.8/7.5 that would be roughly a 51% failure rate or a 49% success rate.

In terms of a letter grade this is an F. Actually its worse, we could call this failing miserably. This is completely unacceptable. You people have 5 years to turn this into a passing grade, which is 70%.

New Rules
In order to make sure we weed out the people who are not serious about marriage, which will hopefully improve our miserable statistics, we are going to impose a few new rules.

  • Noone under the age of 21 may apply for a marriage license.

  • Marriage licenses are $10,000 made payable to the Ministry of Marriage.

  • Before you are given a marriage license you will be subject to 3 full days of intense psychological testing, the results of which will be disclosed to your partner in waiting.

  • Marriage is a contract, divorce is a breech of contract. Divorce, as all breeches of contract, will incur a fine. Please pay your $10,000 fine to the Ministry of Marriage. Failure to pay your fine will result in deportation to Antarctica. No explanations required, nor will any be accepted.

  • After a divorce you will be ineligible for a marriage license for a period of 3 years.

  • Liz clause 1 - You may not apply for a marriage license with anyone you previously divorced. Remember, you divorced them for a reason.

  • Liz clause 2 - After 3 strikes, you're out. You obviously don't get it or you have bad karma. Either way you arent getting a 4th chance. Any attempt at a 4th marriage and you had better bundle up, its a little nippy where you're heading.

  • Implicit pre-nupt - you keep your stuff, your partner keeps theirs. Anything jointly owned will be sold on Ebay, profits divided equally.

    We will cover taxes next but rest assured it will be a flat tax and the IRS will be dismissed then re-assigned to the Ministry of Deportation to Antarctica.

    Good night.
    And good luck.

  • 6 Comments:

    Blogger Gregor said...

    You can RUN, you're just gonna lose, that's all.

    3:48 PM

     
    Blogger Jim said...

    LOL, oh no whatever will I do! :)

    4:52 PM

     
    Blogger Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

    Wonderfully and wittily said.

    8:50 PM

     
    Blogger Jim said...

    I'm glad you know good sarcasm when you read it Daniel ;)

    7:49 AM

     
    Blogger Jim said...

    Hilarious! But me thinks the population in Antartica is going to explode! :) Funny stuff james.

    2:36 PM

     
    Blogger Jim said...

    Thank you Jimbo, its nice to know my sense of humor never changes, yes? :)

    6:38 PM

     

    Post a Comment

    << Home