Food, drink, film and other random thoughts from The Lone Star State.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Phone Retard

People, please.

When I call you and you don't have time to talk, just let it roll over to voicemail. I'm kinda familiar with the voicemail concept and it lets me communicate to you whatever was intended. Please stop answering your phone to tell me that you don't have time to talk. And for the love of all that is holy, please stop answering your phone to tell me that you don't have time to talk and then proceed to spend the next 45 minutes telling me all the many reasons why you are SO busy and you don't have time to talk.

Hopefully we all see the irony in doing that, lol.

Thank you and have a nice weekend.

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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Dear Ahmadinejad

Hey Mahmoud,

Just a quick email before Hebrew class.

Sorry I haven't written in a while but I've been so busy living in an uninterrupted stream of democracy that I completely forgot you existed. Sorry babe. So, how's life? I heard about that icky terrorist attack that killed a dozen of your Elite guards. Dude, that sucks ass. But its kinda like karma - live by the bomb, die by the bomb. Blah, blah, blah - I know, you already know all that.

Anyway, on to more important topics. I'm confused about some things you're doing and wanted to ask some questions to help me understand.

First, why are you dragging the great Persian culture through the mud? I'm sure you realize everytime you open your mouth you reek of Hilter and Nazi regime. My Persian friends here in the US depise you. They think you're making it harder for them to be proud of their culture. I think they need to be proud because they have a lot to be proud of. Even your own clerics have to told you to shut it, but you just keep regurgitaing the same dull-witted vitriol. It will probably net you some paragraph in a history book but I can't imagine that's a good end to your means. Plus its boring, so try some variation, that way I can be entertained while I shop on the internet. Thanks.

Secondly, whats going on with the whole nuke power thing? We all know your country has over 40% unemployment yet you keep funneling huge amounts of cash into this program for "energy production". Riiight, good one. C'mon man, you are already producing enough energy for your country, plus you have enough oil reserves to fuel the country indefintely. I'm sure you know this information is publically available. So why again the mad push for nuclear energy? I must be slow, I just don't get it. Even if it was for "cleaner" energy, to me it makes more sense to use those funds to make sure that your own people have basic necessities and basic infrastructure, but thats just me. I know - thats why I'm not president and you are, LOL. Maybe you're hoping you will be dealt with like North Korea? LOL, I'm thinking no.

The other thing that puzzles me, besides that whole Holocaust denial thing and the whole blow Israel, US and UK to bits thing, is why with so many problems in your own country, you continue stir shit up in Gaza, Syria, Lebanon and Iraq? Maybe you're still trying that tired "split the world into Believers and non-Believers" crap? I guess, but surely as an educated man familiar with history, you know exactly how that will bite your ass in the end. You aren't special enough to escape historical precedent, I'm afraid, you're just a guy with a big mouth and no back up.

Kiss, kiss. Bang, bang.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Jim

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Monday, February 12, 2007

Single Bashing

Me: I'm very happy for you, your new wife is beautiful.

D: Thanks, now we have to find you someone, I have the perfect person in mind, he's an attorney and ...

Me: Let me stop you right there, not interested.

D: But you really need someone to make you happy

Me:But I'm alreday happy

D: But you cant truly be happy alone.

Me: Correction, you can't truly be happy alone, I'm not you.

D: I was happy alone but now I'm at a new level of happiness, I want you to experience it too!

Me: Are you kidding me? Please, you were on match.com, singles.com, yahoo.com, you paid for that service called 'It's just lunch', you went on power dating weekends, and I might add as the recipient of your long, heartfelt speeches, my ears are painfully aware, to the point of bleeding, how miserable you have been for the 5 years you've been single. So please sell that to someone who doesnt know you. Oh and please stop trying to elevate yourself beyond a level of happiness you understand.


D: Ok thats true but I want you to feel complete.

Me: I am complete

D: No, I mean the bliss of being able to share your life with someone.

Me: I have that, I call them friends.

D: No, I mean someone special

Me:They are all special.

D: I mean really special.

Me: LOL, look, I'm happy for us both, we both have what we need.

Sheesh, some people just don't get it.

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